Steven Wright - Comedic genius

I love him because with his soft-spoken style and deadpan delivery, he forces the listener to pay attention and "get it". We were all walking out of the theater wondering how in the world he manages to keep everything straight during the course of a 2-hour (yes, TWO HOUR) performance. Some things are better left unknown and just enjoyed. Here are some of the good ones (at least the ones I could remember)...


"I was wondering how my life would have been different if I'd been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn't be different at all, except that I'd have asked that question yesterday."

"My friend has a trophy wife... apparently it wasn't first place."

My girlfriend asked me "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
"Nope."
"Forget it, then."

"I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future - just way off to the side."

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'un-quote'."

"In Europe is Miles Davis known as Kilometer Davis?"

"I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia."

" I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchhiker holding a sign that said "Heaven"...so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice."

"The last time I tried to commit suicide was about an hour ago. I jumped off the roof of this very tall building and accidentally did a double back-flip and landed on my feet. No one witnessed this except two kittens who were nearby. One of the kittens turned to the other and said "see, that's how you do that".

"When I was five years old my grandfather died. I was standing beside coffin at the funeral home thinking about my flashlight. Then I started thinking about the batteries. Then I thought, "Maybe he's not dead . . . Maybe he's just in wrong."